Shattered Expectations!

The 26th was suppose to be the day that I was heading to Colorado! I’m still in French Lick, Indiana! It is hard because all the people I was getting to know have been posting about their training and their leaving to Colorado! I am feeling isolated and alone lately. I have no friends anywhere close to me! My friends are all busy with their college lives or their lives in general! I live so far away from anyone I have walked in my faith with over the past three years! I long to talk about the Father with someone who is a sister! I have been feeling my friends not wanting to have anything to do with me! I know these are all lies my mind and heart are believing!

I am trying so hard to fight daily and to stay strong! I am sleeping on the couch at my mom’s at the moment. I am working 2 jobs, the Dollar Store doesn’t work me all that much, but I work 5 days at the West Baden Springs Resort. I can’t afford to live on my own while I pay all my bills that I have and the debt that I have accumulated through just irresponsibility. Most days I want to cry and I just want to sleep! I feel like I am just drowning half the time.

I treated myself today and got my hair cut. I was going to get it spiral permed, but decided not to spend the money on something I wasn’t sure would look good or that I was comfortable with living with on a daily basis.Instead I decided to get bangs back, but I don’t like them so I am glad they seem to grow back quickly! Life at home is a struggle, but I have to take it day by day and keep fighting through each moment my tendency is to sin and fall short of the glory my Father deserves from my daily life!

I thought I had a fellowship that I could attend, but I am nervous to attend one where I do not know anyone. I know the teacher, but I found out he is leaving to be the teaching at a different fellowship. I am really scared that I won’t be able to raise the support I need if I don’t find the fellowship that fits my faith. I’m really scared, but I’m fighting to know and believe that the Father has a plan and that His will for my life will be revealed as he wants me to see it!

My little brother had surgery this morning and an old elementary teacher, had my brother but not me, knew me and was talking to me and my mom in the waiting room and she was asking me about my faith and how I was going to China. I feel pressured to get married and to have children from more than my immediate family now that I am home. I have been asked if I am a lesbian because I choose not to date right now. It isn’t understood as to how I can give up dating and the life I use to live worshiping relationships and guys! Everyone around here is all about dating, marriage, and having kids and not in the order that fits the beliefs that I have!

It’s been a long day and even though I slept most of Sunday afternoon, I still have to work at 7am the next two days and one of those days I have to work both jobs and only have a half hour turn-around! For now…

Goodnight and be blessed by the Father


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