Hanging On

It’s been a while since I’ve blog’d last. I’ve thought about it, but something always seems to distract me anymore. I’ve been working a lot lately and the hotel has been really busy, but it is slowing down just a little for the moment except the weekends. I am back to 3 days off work as of this current week. So I should be raising my support, but well to be completely honest it hasn’t been something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. I hit a funk for a few weeks now. I made an appointment to go back to the doctor because I figured it is because I haven’t been on Metformin for about a month or so.

During this funk I decided that I would take a little extra money I had and head up to ISU to see my friends and hear truth and have myself pointed back to the cross! I was right because the people I seen were able to point me in the right direction and the Campus Outreach talk reminded me where I find my identity and that it is not in this world or anything I own or what I look like.

Lately I’ve been questioning if going to China is really what I should be doing, but I know the answer before I even ask the Father! YES!! He has been doing this work in me for over 3 years and his plans are set in stone. It is up to me to execute them. I came back from ISU renewed spiritually. This week I am catching up physically. Hopefully Metformin will help balance my hormones and my insulin again and I will be balanced and renewed mentally and emotionally.

My mom and I are bickering more and more lately. I let the one thing that was causing our problems go for a while, but that problem is now getting bigger and bigger! I can’t stand her brother and his girlfriend still living with us 5 months after they were told they had 30 days to get out and said they were looking. They are NOT looking and they are NOT trying!! My mom is thinking of moving so that way we can get away from them, but that is not right! They need to be the ones who get out of OUR home!! They don’t own the place and I’m to the point that I don’t care if they have a place to go or not!! That is not my fault and that is not my issue! We’ve been helping them for 3 years and it is now time for tough love!! Please get out… wait NO… GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!!!!! I’m quite frustrated right now because my mom is not putting her children first, but putting 50 year old grown men and women first who are using her and walking all over her selfishly.

There is a way to help someone is a upwardly way and I can definitely say that my mom has now executed that above and beyond! Paying rent for 200 dollars a month isn’t anything… pay a little more and you can get your own place each month!! Just stop taking over my home and my life!

When I started my senior year of college, I felt like I was losing my home and a big part of who I am, but then I remembered that I am not home! my heavenly home is still being prepared for me while I walk this earth! I came to accept my life, but now that I am home for a year, it is hard not to have a place to call mine and put my things! I’m still living in the living room and still got all my things stuffed into totes! It’s really like I already don’t exist to anyone else in my life anymore.

I feel friendless and family-less. My dad is all caught up in his own college life and my mom well she cares more about what the world is thinking of her and how allowing people to live with her makes her look than to truly care about my feelings and what I might be going through. If I tell her how I feel, she shuts my voice down. I can’t sit down and rationally talk with her! It’s like she really doesn’t care.

I’m trying to tell myself truth and believe that I know who I am in the Father! I really need him to tell me daily, but lately hearing his voice and his presence is hard. I am trusting the Father to raise a woman up for me to walk along side of and to be able to confide in and to meet with and who is willing to speak truth into my life and help me to grow.

I had hoped to be home alone and enjoy time for myself to get things done, but that isn’t happening because they came home early and are sitting here and it annoys me because I only get a few days like this in general to truly be alone and they are taking that away from me! I just need to be alone to have me time alone with the Father who guides me and speaks to me in my deepest sorrows. I don’t feel comfortable being at home with them and cleaning or cooking or well even support raising. Every little thing I do I know they are judging me and I shouldn’t care, but I just want to be alone!! even better I don’t want them to live here anymore.

Selfish?

Maybe I am being selfish, but 3 years is too long to live with your younger sister and 5 months of lying is too long with lie after lie piled upon one another. I’m done ranting!

It’s been a rough few weeks and I am only praying that they get better and that I come out of this funk! I’m doing my best to hang on to what I know as truth! As I was driving home from ISU the other night, this song stuck out on my Pandora!

Brit Nicole says it perfectly in this song with how I am feeling lately because I am crying out and breaking down and reaching out grabbing on to every little thing I possible can that is truth and help from the Lord!  I will try not to post with so many days in between!

Till next time, be blessed!

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