I can’t do this on my own!

It isn’t easy starting over in a new place!

Taking a trip to the past for a moment… Freshmen year of college, you are scared, excited, nervous, and alone… for a moment. Then you realize that your roommate, your floor mates, and every freshmen on campus for the most part is completely ALONE and scared, nervous, excited, and new! You quickly make friends because you have something in common. Those friendships grow for 4 years and then you graduate and you all move apart to different parts of the world!

That brings me to where I am right now…

I’m in a different place than people I’ve known for the past 4-5 years. I’m in a place of starting over and starting fresh. I’ve lived here for 2 months now and I have a career job, have a plan to start school in another 4 months, and have a roommate. The problem is and these are huge problems for me right now is that I don’t have a church to call home! I don’t have like-minded friends around to point me to Christ on a daily basis! I don’t have someone to just sit with me or to get into the word with! I am just ALONE! So it feel like right now. I know all the yada yada yada…. I love the Biblical perspective that people can give me, but something inside of me feels alone!

I’ve slowly just starting being instead of seeking.

I’m scared of going to new churches. It took me 3 months after going to church with people I love dearly and have built an amazing relationship with to go to my church in my home town by myself. Leaving that church was really hard!

Now, I’m starting all over again and I’ve tried a couple churches, but it’s like I’m lost within myself. I can’t get out of my inner thoughts or my bubble to thrive at seeking again. I’m getting too good at just being! There is a time to just be and a time to seek and right now for me… well it’s a time to seek. I’m struggling though. I haven’t opened the Bible in a few and I won’t admit how long, but I’ve desired to, but have come up with an excuse each time why I just can’t at that moment… There isn’t enough time before work, I need to go to bed, I am too tired… yada, yada, yada…

I can’t do this on my own, but yet right now all I can do is be… I have no fight in me at the moment! I’m exhausted and just tired of feeling this way, but I just can’t get up and seek yet! I’m not sure what to do, but praying is so hard yet even when I feel this way… a small quick prayer… “Father, help me!” is easy to say.

I know I can’t do this alone! I know I’m never actually ALONE! I know I have friends… even if it just doesn’t feel or seem like it… I know that God has his plan and his timing… I know that I’m right where God has placed me for a reason… I know that I am slowly making a difference at work… I know I am going to be more than okay… I know I’m going to start seeking again… I know I’m going to make friends eventually… I know I will find a church eventually… I know that my doubt is all a part of the pruning process so that I can grow, but though I know these things….

Believing them….. well that can be a struggle….

Though I’m in the midst of an internal storm and not a physical one… One thing remains the same….

My faith is rooted and grounded in Christ! I cannot be shaken because I have cemented the Cross into my heart! I can openly admit to an earthquake because I know that even though I am not strong enough to do this on my own and I am not bearing this alone… I have a savior who is able to do anything and who has become my center and my every being! Christ is my strength, my rock, my foundation, my fortress, in the midst of an earth shattering earthquake and in sinking sand!

God knows where my heart stands right now… He knows my troubles, he knows my lack of believing, but he knows I have faith in his strength. He knows I trust him! He has me and won’t let me fall!

Sometimes you have to just let God carry you!

Right now that is what I am doing… I’m letting God carry me because it is hard to walk, crawl, or seek! He’s in the process of pruning me and I will start to thrive again soon, but until then… God will carry me and protect me and get me through this life he has called me to live!

Pray for me to find a church, to make friends, and to start to grow! The pruning process can be brutal! The thorns that have started to grow are being plucked from my body and my life and it is painful!

Till next time…

Blessings.

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